Caring For The Elderly- Finances

Reading Saffiyah's post that questions caring for the elderly I thought it would be interesting to write out my own experience with this issue as well as that of two vastly different cultures approach to this issue as well. Since I'm in the beginning fazes of moving I will have to split this up by different issues and post it over a short time piece by piece. I have found the issue of aging quite interesting in the Saudi culture when compared to that of the US. I get to see this first hand as my mother lives with us, and has lived with us for about 8 years. And I also have his mother living with us and she has been doing so off and on since we arrived here almost five years ago. His father lived with us for a short time until he passed away last year, so we aren't exactly short on personal experiencess when dealing with the issue of caring for the elderly.

As most, if not all Muslims, know the obligation for caring for the elderly is an important one within our religion. It is an individual and community obligation to ensure that the elders in our communities are properly cared for and respected. The duty to ones parents is very important as individuals especially to ones mother, she having more rights over her children than even the father. But at times this duty can be abused by the eldery in our communities, and parents in some cultures go to an extreme to the extent that it becomes burdensome for their own children. Although not all Muslim families are like that, in some cultures it is dominant.

Because men hold the obligation to financially provide for his family and a woman does not means that the boys (mainly the oldest one) take on much of the burden when it comes to caring for their parents. This goes beyond the financial burden but can at times be the most strenuous especially if there are many sisters and no other brothers to help with the finances. If a parent gets ill, or a mother is a widow, than it becomes the responsibility of the son to take care of them. Some women are very bold in making it clear it is not their duty as they are women even if they are able to help. Such a strain will have negative results on a single man who has no true help in this plight. And of course this can also eplain, in part, many Muslim mens' desire to have more male children rather than females. It isn't always about a man thinking males are better but rather a relfection on some of their own burdens to support their families. Many men tend believe that if there are more males than there will be more to share such a responsibility.

Now this may not hold true for many Muslims that live within the Western world. And for many Muslims in the Western world this may be a very odd and troubling thought. I know it was to me and I at times became very angry at women who appeared to be so selfish and mean spirited to not even think they needed to help in the burden. We have had two occasions within my husbands family that when financial burdens came when a father got ill the women, although several could afford to help, simply said "we are women you are the man". It wasn't an issue for them to turn from this responsibility and leave it souly for their brother. Even if the brother had to go into debt, so be it. As an American this horrified me that women could be so cold. Sure they could go out and shop for new clothes, but financially help with a sick parent was not seen as their responsibility. This is not to say that the US is free from such thinking. There are many children who don't do anything financially to aid their elderly parents even when they are ill. This ,for most part, is seen as callous and cold in the US and not something to boast about. But here a woman can use her gender to free herself from the responsibility and the culture doesn't look down upon the women for doing so.


The issue of financial responsibility is very different within the US and Saudi. For most in the US it is seen as an equal responsibility between all siblings, although one more well off than another may be viewed as having more of a duty than one who doesn't. But for the most part since both genders work and usually earn an income both are seen as sharing the duty. With more and more women working within Saudi it will be interesting to see if women here choose to take on more of a financial burden within their families. Although one could argue that religiously women don't hold this obligation, it is also made on the basis that men are the only income contributers within the household rather than women being one as well. As Muslims we should understand that financial gain is provided by Allah, and is a gift that comes with a major responsibility. We don't own all of it, for others have a right to it, the weak, old, the poor and so on. This burden is clearly stated within the Qur'an and is not limited to gender so a woman can not truly free herself of this obligation. But I dare suggest that for many women the claim that gender frees from them from financial burden will continue for some time within Saudi which will have negative affects on many households.

This burden not only affects the man himself, but also his wife and immediate family. His children of course will see their father struggle to care for their parent and will come to understand that this is a duty for them to hold as well, especially the boys. They will see that a child is to care for the parent as they once cared for them. They will see that at times in our lives we become dependent on others after many years of independence and this is nothing to be ashamed about. This is a great lesson for the children within the household. It is also a burden on the wife who not only has to support her husband in this obligation but also try to make it easier for him. She too must sacrifice in order to care for his parents, she may have to buy less things, give of her own money if she has it, sacrifice time with her husband as well as demanding his time with his own children. I believe one of the most difficult things to deal with for many women is that often times the husband is so busy giving of himself to his family that when it comes to giving more of himself to his wife he doesn't. He having spent what he had on other obligations doesn't see that she requires some of the same things. This becomes either a major balancing act for the man with the support of his wife, or it becomes one in which he angers his wife for having nothing left to give of himself to her. This of course goes beyond financial burdens and can be a very trying to for the couple and would also have a larger impact on the family as a whole.

If the burden of caring for ones parents fell more equally to other members of the family there would be less of an impact on a single male in the family. This burden of caring for the elderly is compounded in this country when one figures out there are no care facilities, no support groups, no resources for the parents or the family, and no outside aid apart from a maid who is not trained to deal with the elderly. This I will get to in my next posting, and this is one issue I would love to see changed within Saudi.

I would also like to point out that I refer to this issue as a "burden" as not to suggest that caring for the elderly is something we should dread. I refer to it as a burden in the same way pregnancy is stated to be a 'burden' in the Qur'an. Although a woman loves the child, is happy about her pregnancy, is amazed at the life growing inside of her, is overcome by the feelings of being blessed by Allah, she also has aches and pains, sleepless nights, a heavy front load which causes stretch marks that will never go away. She also becomes ill, tiered, overwhelmed, emotional, and scared in between her bouts of energy her many happy moments, her gratefulness and wonder as life forms within her. It is also the same for families who care for the elderly many times overwhelming, difficult, and upsetting, it is also many times filled with happiness, love, affection, and gratefulness. So yes it is a burden but one which those who are of the right mind will happily bare.